Opening a Heart

Here is part one of my new book:

 

“Good Lord, It’s 4 AM”, I moaned.  “Whaaaaaa?!”

But the Jack just smiled and thumped his big tail and pushed his cold nose into my face again.  I knew this meant that he needed to go outside and pee.  As he had only been house trained for a month or so, and he was a big dog, I trusted that he was telling the truth and needed to go outside. 

“Well, this is a win I guess, better than the consequences.” I mumbled to no one in particular. 

I pulled myself up and shoved my arms into my too big terrycloth robe and shuffled through the kitchen to the back door, opened it, and let Jack out. 

“I would never do this for anyone else” I said loudly to Jack as he trotted out the door.  Then a bright flash of realization blazed across my mind.  There was no one that I was willing to get out of my warm bed to help do anything, let alone a bodily function. 

I watched Jack run out to his favorite Norwegian pine and do his business, run back with his big smile, looking very proud of his accomplishment.  As I shuffled my way back to my bedroom thoughts kept racing through my head.  I was awake now, no hope of returning to sleep.  I sat up in bed and pondered. What is going on with me?  What has really happened to me in these past 3 months?

This is about how a normal life can be transformed by awakening one’s heart.  It’s about how a normal person that has normal challenges, normal heartbreaks, disappointments, successes and failures and thinks life is ‘fine’.  But as the years pass, one doesn’t recognize that in this normal life one shuts down subtly, covertly and silently.  In the process of life itself our most treasured core of whom and what we are gets closed off:  our heart.  It takes someone or something to open ones heart again. My 'opener' was a 100 lb German Sheppard that was willing to come home with me.

Meditation With Dogs pt3

Ah, yes.  This mornings meditation with the dogs was slightly more challenging today.  I got myself in my spot to meditate, Rook, my white boxer, snuggled up to me using her somersault method.

 In this method, she turns a somersault using my body as her guide and slides her head down my side and under to roll  and flip so her legs are now by my side and her head is further away.

When she does this the little one, Sprocket,  sees it as a perfect opportunity for play,   She  runs, from where ever she is,  and pounces on top of Rook,  and, as we say, "Oh, it's on now!".

So much for a quite meditation. 

I remembered what one of my mentors told me.  Whatever is in your space, IS your meditation.  The more you resist what comes to you the slower your development in awareness.  Awareness is why you meditate in the first place.

So, I surrendered that my dogs were going to take this opportunity to play and wrestle with each other, and I maintained my meditation.  I didn't do the full 30 minutes, but I did get in 20 minutes.

Ah, thank goodness I get another chance to meditate this afternoon. 

More Words to Express the Many Faces of Love

I think we need several new words to express love.  Much like a specific tribe in Polynesia that has 25 words for 'blue sea' or a tribe of Eskimo tribe that has 14 words for 'snow and ice'.  They have distinctions in the environment around them.

The Polynesia tribe has a different word for the blue sea when they know it will rain, or when a hot spell is coming, or fog.  The Eskimo tribe  has a different  word for snow that tell them if the snow is large wet flakes that rest on your eyelashes, or the small dry flakes that sting and hurt your skin when they hit you.

 People make new words when they have an interest in describing and understanding the environment around them.  English is a vibrant and living language with new words added to the dictionary every year.  However, most of these words are scientific in nature.  That is where our interest is at this time.  Keeping up with the developments in science, diseases, math, and computers.  We are discovering new diseases each year. And we name them. 

Maybe we only have one word for love as we haven't needed to understand the human hearts capacity and subtlety for relationships.  Maybe it's time to invest defining the wild and crazy emotions we fear. 

There is the love inside of friendship, partners, pets, nature, admiration, pleasure.  But these things are not just love, there is a separate quality to each of these emotions.  Why not distinguish them?  Like the Eskimo tribe and Polynesian tribe in distinguishing their environment of snow and the ocean. 

Sometimes It Just Hurts

There is a song from the 60's by Gene Pitney, "It Hurts to be in Love".  It's a song about unrequited love, or loving someone who only thinks of you as a friend.   It goes like this:

"It hurts to be in love when the only one you love turns out to be someone who's not in love with you. It hurts to love her so when deep down inside you know she will never want you, no matter what you do.
And so you cry a little bit (Hurts to be in love) Oh, you die a little bit (Hurts to be in love) Day and night, night and day It hurts to be in love this way"   Here is Youtube video to listen

I think there is a deeper level of truth in that song.  It hurts to love the world, to love people, both specific and general.  We can do such damage to one another, we say and do hurtful and harmful  things, we get positional about others behaviors, we get up in arms that someone has a differing opinion or belief of God than ours.   We create more drama than any soap opera could possibly convey. 

Yes, it hurts to be in love specifically with anyone, a spouse, a family member, a friend.  But it also hurts to love a job, a home or possession like our grandmothers ring, or grandfathers WWII footlocker.  Once we love fully, what is looming right next to us is the presence of the natural impermanence of life itself.  The fleeting transitory quality of the passing of time.

To be a real master of oneself is to embrace both the pain and joy of love and loving.  It feels like you are on the verge of laughter and tears at any moment.  At least that's what it feels like to me.  It almost feels uncontrollable.  In these moments of a kind of edgy almost irritation, I breathe.  I surrender to the feelings and imagine that many of our profits and masters have traveled here before.  It is the path less traveled.  

Meditation with the Dogs pt2

As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I meditate each morning with my dogs.  I have three boxers from ages 1-6.  The one year old is very peppy to say the least,  to get her to sit down in the morning has been slightly challenging in the beginning.

However, each morning I take my seat and we all settle down to meditate.  Surprising things have been happening.

The first thing is how attentive the dogs have been towards me.  But more importantly, they are fast to respond to any command I give them, such as sit, wait, stop, lie down.  They have always been obedient, as we spent lots of time in obedience classes.  But this is something different.  This feels as if they know the command before I speak it and are sitting as I speak the words.  At first I thought it was curious.

Then I was at the dog park with the little one the other day.  There was one dog that was giving her a hard time, chasing her and nipping at her heels, like she was trying to herd mine.  One large German Sheppard saw this happening and kept cutting in-between to separate the chasing dog from my dog.  This happened several times, and  the German Sheppard got himself in position to block the other dog away from mine.   He got into a protective position next to me, my dog and the herding dogs.  The other dog got the message and sauntered off.  I looked down at the German Sheppard and said "Thank You".  The German Sheppard looked at me right in the eyes and nodded his head.

He knew I was speaking to him, he knew I was acknowledging him.  The connection was clear.  I was startled. As in all moments, things happen and you move on to the next task and don't think about it until later. 

 Later than night I was thinking of the connection with the German Sheppard and was reminded of The Bodhisattva Vow: Beings are numberless; I vow to awaken with them. 

Who knew it could look like that?

The Game of Thrones and Humanity

Doesn't that sound like an ominous statement? 

Let me fill in some blanks.  

I completed all 5 of the current volumes of The Song Fire and Ice series by George RR Martin.  It is quite a long and engrossing read.  I found it perfect for my current underemployment state.  :)  I had the time and mental prowess to tackle such a massive series.  I was determined to get through it, so I read each 700+ page volume within weeks of each other.  (Something I don't recommend.  I recommend you take your time, savor the culture, the life these people live and the world Mr. Martin is creating. 

Each book is an epic journey and as I got to the middle of the 5th book I realized that there had to be more coming, this was not tying anything of the separate stories together, there were all sorts of dangling journeys scattered about, it left more characters 'out on a limb' so to speak, or 'just having been beaten, stabbed, hit on the head with an axe, trampled on by wild boars, or all sorts of dangerous accidents.  Was I to assume they were dead?  My favorite characters voices were silent and some of the least favorite were still in power, still causing damage, still up to no good.  (Kinda just like life, huh?)

I had been telling my husband that this book is about the land, that it's not about the characters. 
So many of them get beheaded, thrown of cliffs, tortured, murdered, poisoned, shipped off to unknown lands, raped, or just plane old die, you need to let go of your favorite people to see a bigger picture.  Maybe that picture is about the land itself, not the individual people that live, breathe and die in it, but what it takes to bring stability to a country or region. 

When you look at the taming of a land,  or to 'civilize' an area, a different perspective comes across.  When I began to look at the book from that point of view, I saw that we really haven't progressed on the inside in 1000 years.  And, if I want to see how we behaved as humans I could just go into a 'third world country' and see the behavior of people there to understand that the hold we have on this world is tenuous at best.  That anything that rocks the boat too hard, such as an economic collapse, which isn't too far off the reality scale, and we are back to behaving as the characters in this book.  We don't have the luxury of magic, dragons and spells.  We do have spies, cunning, subterfuge, back stabbing, gossipy, murderous behavior at our fingertips.  That's what I saw in the middle of the book. 

We pretend to be civilized, but it's a thin and fine line.  Peter Drucker has said, "When you squeeze oranges you get orange juice, when you squeeze lemons you get lemon juice,  when you squeeze human beings you get what is inside, the good and the bad".

This book was a great eye opener in raising my awareness for humanity, for being honest about the design of life and my piece within it.

A Conversation Worth Having

Through most of my teenage and young adult years I loved talking with friends through the night about God, eternity, traveling in space like Star Trek, true love, and many more topics I'm sure I have forgotten even though they were very important at the time.

Recently, a trainer of mine asked me "Was this a conversation worth having?", in reference to our conversation.  I had never been asked that question before, and I noticed all the emotions that come up within the question.  I wanted to make her feel valued and say yes, I felt pressured to say yes because that was the 'nice' thing to do, I also saw where the conversation was not worth having because I didn't talk enough, and all sorts of other judgements came flying into my mind. 

I actually told her I couldn't answer her authentically yet as I was so busy judging and evaluating from a negative position that anything I would say would be a fabrication. 

I thought of the fox and the grapes, a story from Aesop's Fables.  the fox viewing lovely grapes gives up as he can't reach them, and justifies them by saying "they were probably sour anyway."

Often I give up and don't allow myself to struggle through the uncertainty of real thinking, the challenges of our times, and the self imposed pressures to be a 'good person'.  Living authentically is a conversation worth having, it presses and pull and stretches, and it is worth the never ending discipline to develop.

Moods Come and Then They Go

I woke up into a bad mood this morning.  I have no excuse, nothing happened differently this morning apart from any other morning.  Alarm at 5:51 AM, coaching call at 6 AM. The dogs first walk of the day, feed and water them, get coffee and meditate.  "The usual", as my husband might say.  But here I was, in my sitting meditation squirming.

I found myself upset about things that happened months and years ago.  Unable to focus and be present to the moment. I went about the morning with the things we all do, check email, read news, look at job postings and take the dogs to the park and stop off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.

 My mood came to a head in the grocery store.

Here I am, minding my own business.  I am checking out the fresh fruit, getting the proper cheese to make smooth and creamy mac and cheese for dinner tonight with friends, plus a few more odds and ends.   I take my booty to the self-check register and 'pow'.  The register won't accept one of my items and tells me I need to wait for assistance.  "WAIT?!  Are you kidding", my bad mood screamed in my head. 

At 8:30 AM, the number of people working at the grocery store is few and less.  Understandable, as they need to staff the store during their busy hours.  But given the mood I was in, I had little patience to wait for assistance. 

That is when I remembered a teacher of mine who gave a talk about the medieval wheel of fortune.  That fortune goes up and goes down, the real power is to be unaffected by the circumstances, to be in the center of the wheel.  When I first heard that lecture, all I could think about was my lousy love life and that I couldn't pay someone enough to date me.  I was bemoaning my fate.  The next time I remembered that lecture I was in a financial downturn, and I for the first time I thought; "This too shall pass."

Currently, I am experiencing a new level of, well for lack of a better word, disappointments. Once again, I am reminded that this too shall pass.  The point is not to get stuck in negative thinking, or caught in the trap of worry, fear, suffering and sadness. 

Moods come and they go.  To think I can stop a mood, either good or bad, is childish.  To allow myself and others to move through their moods is where real freedom and power lives. 

Aging Gracefully Comes From Patience

My mother-in-law fractured her pelvis and was in the hospital and transitional care unit for 2 months.  It has been a depessing time for her as the pain is unbearable.  The path to recovery is a lot of sitting and walking when all one wants to do is to lay down and not get up.  The bones need compression to heal, so to sit and walk is the best way to repair the fracture.  That has been the last thing she wants to do.

Her depression has been magnified as she is a very active woman, with a walking club, activities with her book club and church.  One can imagine a shy but very social lady stuck in bed with no desire to sit or walk due to the pain. 

Her behavior during this time has been challenging at best for me.  She was rude to the nurses, telling two nurses she dismissed from her case.  (Can you imagine?)  To say she was rude to me is putting it mildly.  My husband and I visited her every day for the entire time she was in the hospital and the transitional care unit.  We brought her things to make her stay at the hospital more comfortable.  Little things like a box of soft tissues, hand sanitizer, wet naps, toothbrush, toothpaste, soft toilet paper, lip balm, dental floss, soft soap.  Nothing big or expensive,  just simple things to show we care and want to ease her stay.

Not one word of thank you, or kindness was expressed towards us.  Not one. 

To say I was upset about that is putting it mildly.  (lol)  At one time I told my husband 'I am done with her!'.  Yes, I was angry, vengeful, and visiting very dark emotions.  (To say the least)

Then I thought about her and realized at one time she was a young woman, with hopes and dreams, love and expectation.  She is now in more pain than she has ever experienced through either the birth of her two children, breast cancer, and hysterectomy, I  began to wonder how I would act, react and feel in the same situation.

That was a wake up call for me.  I started to really ask, "How do I want to age?  How do I want to live in my aging?  What can I do on a daily basis to support my ability to remain open, aware and develop my consciousness while I age?

 I saw that what I do today greatly impacts my future, and I asked myself what is the future I am moving towards? 

I began to practice meditation and yoga daily. I changed my eating habits, began to develop more humor and laugh more.  I got curious to my inherited behaviors, the things I learned from my family and they learned from their family and back and back and back.  What could I do to unravel that never ending spiral of ego, pain, suffering and sadness.

I see that the daily practice of patience and compassion towards my mother-in-law and ultimately all beings that get under my skin,  can help me develop compassion towards my life.  To age gracefully and with elegance, compassion and kindness towards others is key. I can feel connected to all, understanding the fear and concerns that are ever present although never spoken.  These fears and dissatisfaction can be dissipated in each breath we take.  Breathing in the richness of this moment, the colors, textures, and grace.  No matter the circumstance, I can feel the exquisiteness of the emotion in now.

Compassion On a Daily Basis

I am dealing with ill and aging parents.  Not mine, mine passed away many years ago.  But most of my friends and my husband are witnessing their parents age; some not so gracefully.  And issues arise, like the sun each morning, issues long thought handled, healed and transformed arise.  Those smelly, stinky, uncomfortable, hurtful issues. 

One of my friends has an in-law living with them, in his experience, he feels like he is constantly being lied to.  Whether it is about how the parent feels, what happened, where they were, anything feels like the truth is not told, but a made up lie is being told.   In my experience, I feel that what I do is unrecognized and unappreciated.  Both of us realize these are old issues or triggers from our pasts.  Now we get to deal with them on a new and deeper level.  "Oh, yippe" we seemed to say.  Might as well take on climbing Mount Everest, that would be easier!  (Maybe that's why some do.)

It occurs to me that life is just that.  One gets issues, and they stay with us from birth to the grave.  On possibility' is to embrace them, have a sense of humor about them,  keep them from running the show and transform them not only for our benefit, but for the benefit of others.  By expressing compassion through feeling our way while triggered, feeling the sadness and pain, just being with the trigger and breathing, we gain the power to diminish the grip and control they have over us.  Eventually they sit on the sidelines, there but impotent to affect us.


Every time I embrace one of the things that 'others do to me' or 'against me' and allow myself to feel the pain that resides, I free not only myself from the repetitive nature of our complaints, but it creates an opening for others to express their pain and suffering.  That is the basis of Al Anon, granting a place where it was safe to express the demons inside with no agenda.

Practcing Patience at Disneyland

Jeff and I have annual passes to Disneyland.  It's a gift we give ourselves, as we have discovered that a small trip to Disneyland, even if it's only for a small dinner and one ride on the Tower of Terror renews, refreshed and revitalizes.  It's a mini vacation.

We went to D-land last night for dinner with a friend and to see if we could get on the new Cars Land ride Radiator Springs Racers.  Disneyland is notorious for long lines at rides, but tonight it would be a 2 hour wait.  We decided to suck it up and got in line.

One hour and a half into our wait the ride broke down.  We were told it would be another hour wait as they fixed the electrical breakdown.  As we were in line and had waited so long, we decided to wait it out.  Several people ahead of us bailed, and our position improved.

As we were waiting, I did some meditative breathing.  Keeping my mind clear, and present to the beauty around us.  48 minutes later, the ride was fixed and we were moving along nicely.  We did get on the ride in under 20 minutes after that.  It was a nice experience.  Riding through the 'painted dessert canyons in night time with the beautiful lighting made it worthwhile.

What was amazing was my husband saying he didn't feel the pressure of time waiting in line.  He said it didn't feel like we had been waiting 3 hours.  Wow!

I think I will take that one as evidence of my doing meditation breathing to keep the edginess of impatience building within me.

Meditation With My Dogs

Three dogs own me.  I don't 'own them'.  They have adopted me, taken me into their lives, hearts, and ultimately have trained me.  There are so many lessons I have learned from my dogs.  For example, always be happy to meet someone, a tail wagging body is a happy body, a nap in the afternoon is a good thing, and it's okay to growl once in a while to keep peace.  I will write more on that at another time.

I did want to express the joys I have discovered in meditating with my dogs each morning.  It's a practice I've developed in the past year.  After our morning walk, and feeding, and after my 7:00 AM coaching call I settle in to meditate.  To my delight the dogs have observed my behavior and found that they too want to settle in for 30 minutes of sitting quietly and being.  Each dogs goes to their spot on the couch or floor.  This is after the coveted spot next to me has been taken by one of them.  We all calm our breathing and sit.

Its wonderful, my dogs are my meditation buddies!  I would love to tell you that all sorts of beautiful things happen, but mostly its  30 minutes of the day that I get to check in watch my mind tumble and machinate over images and arguments from ages past.  And sometimes I see the humor of it all.  The dogs keep me anchored in the present moment, of seeing the beautiful colors of the day, hearing the birds and neighborhood awaken and greet the day. 

There are times I imagine that my big dog, Mace, has wisdom beyond his appearance.  My middle girl, Rook, is the love dog, she glows with deep love for her pack.  The new pup, Sprocket, is just energy now, but I see a spirited adventurer emerging..

Each of them teach me about being aware, being love, and savoring each moment of life.

Why I Meditate

I have been taught many different types of meditation.  In the beginning of my practice, I used guided meditation and found it very helpful to keep me on the path.  It produced good results over time.

I was able to change behaviors that I struggled with for years, things like eating fatty and sugary foods when nervous.  In my practice, I could feel the difference in my moods and physical stamina when I engaged in that behavior.  I've known this for years but in the heat of the moment I've never been able to stop from eating sugary and fatty foods.  After consistent practice the carvings disappeared.  Score!

Lately, I've been practicing a simpler form of meditation.  Simpler in that I just sit and breathe, yet harder as there are no distractions like a soft reassuring voice or lovely music to bring me back to meditation.  It was pointed out to me you can meditate to 'transcend' the moment and leave the chaos of living, or you can meditate to bring you into the moment, to gain power in living life as it is.

I could see that what I was looking for was a way to bring power to each moment of my life, the ones that stop me, the ones that upset me, the ones that repel me.  I wanted to gain power and bring myself fully to life, not shy away from the difficulties that life presents each day.

This isn't an instant cure, it is a step by step process to give me freedom and compassion for our human condition.  That is why I meditate, each day. 

Back in 'Life' After a Retreat

Monday was my first day back from a weekend retreat.  The retreat was three days of meditation, both sitting and walking meditations.  I attended this retreat as I have been challenged in several areas and wanted a guided time to disentangle my issues from the circumstances.

We all have circumstances, it's how we deal with these circumstances that determine our health, wealth, relationships, quality of life and experience of fulfillment.  Lately my experience of fulfillment has been -5. 

I began to ask the question; am I really so dependant on hearing 'thank you' or 'this is great' or even just an emotional acknowledgement from someone?  In the absence of that why do I get all wound up, angry and wanting to take myself out of the game?  Yes, I have old issues from my past of being ignored and expected to 'do the dirty work' because we don't want to.  Yes, I would say we all have some of that happened to us.

I read a marvelous quote, "How people treat you is their karma, how you respond is yours".

I am dealing with an aging in-law who must be depressed as she cannot recognize an act of kindness, what she sees is what's missing or more accurately what's wrong with you.  To say I've been upset by that is putting it mildly. 

My action to take is a compassionate request to stop the behavior that upsets me, maybe something as simple as "I wish you wouldn't speak to me that way", or "Please look at me when you talk to me".  I've discovered one can't behave 'as a creep' if you are in relationship with that person, or looking them in the eyes.  All the anger dissipates.  Mine as well.

More tomorrow!

Retreat Day Three

I have been meditating for almost 4 years now; on my own.  I guess I'm a bit of a fluke, or an independent spirit. I would, every few months, think to myself that I would like to find a teacher of meditation.  However, the people I checked into never really inspired me, or felt quite right.  It's serious business who you choose to study with, giving them access to your thinking and perceptions of life.

So, in my point of view, I felt justified in my caution and research to find what I trusted.  I chose the Shambala Meditation Center, and found a workplace in Venice.  Not exactly down the street from me, but better than the option in Pasadena.  I signed up for Warrior I weekend.  Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday from 8 - 6. 

It was an amazing experience, for two full days no computer, email, phone, TV, radio, news, gossip, etc.  I had the feeling that my mind was getting a gentle massage.  I could feel muscles in my head  relax, unwind, and open.  A very different feeling, if you haven't experienced it before.

On Sunday, I was interviewed by the Director of the Shambala Center in Pasadena, the Associate Director and a senior meditation instructor.   What I liked was the senior level of teacher.  these people have seen a lot, been through a lot, and are masterful in listening openly and authentically.  That was a real gift. 

There is so much I want to say about this retreat, so I will be posting more everyday.  Thank you for reading, I appreciate you.

Retreat Day Two

I completed my second day of a weekend retreat.  It is a privilege to be able to take a weekend 'off' and just sit and meditate.  I am blessed that I can afford to participate in the weekend.

I've been able to embrace several different issues.  One being complaints.  I can get really triggered by others complaints.  Funny I don't notice when I complain, but I do notice when others complain.  Mostly I notice the repetitive and persistent pattern to the complaint.  "The same complaint again?"  or "Here we go again" when I listen to someone complain over and over about a spouse, job, boss, co worker, money, the economy, etc, etc, etc.

I finally asked the question, "what do I care if they complain?"  What's it to me?".   I discovered that I am a helper, I want to help ease the pain of the complaint, or erase it. It was a charge I was given at an early age (age 6) to "help your mother, she needs all the help she can get".  All well and good, but not the best attitude to have as an older woman.

 Most people do not need my help.  They sometimes just want to vent to an open ear, a good listener.  but to try and offer solutions to someone who doesn't want  one...ouch, that has gotten me into more trouble.  I discovered most people like their complaints:  don't mess with them.
Whew! Freedom there, I do not have to fix them or anything.

I saw my ego, or what I heretofore called, social grace.  But in this community it was called ego.  Okay, if I am stuck with my way of being social, it's ego, if I can adapt to what is needed, then it is social grace.

I am off to day three.  More later.

Retreat Day One

I am on a 3 day retreat at the Shambala Center in the Westside.  This will be their first weekend retreat as the center just opened this month. It's a Friday evening, all day Saturday and Sunday.  I just completed Friday night.

You may be curious as to why I would attend a retreat, and why Shambala?  I am too. :)

I've been meditating consistently for three years now, and I thought I would benefit from some guidance on a personal level.   I am quite clear I do not know everything, although sometimes my mind likes to tell me differently.  Or is that my mind consistently shares it's opinion with me and I follow along agreeing with every thought.

Why Shambala?  It occurs to me the Shambala centers are interested in supporting people to live productive lives in the world as it is, not to cast off all contact with the world, live austerely and become monks.  As I am in no position or interest in forgoing this crazy world we have now, I am interested in living effectively within it.

I currently I am haveing a good laugh at myself as I have crafted all sorts of dramas to not attend the weekend; my back is out, I don't have anything proper to wear,  and I feel I am failing in my life in every step I take.  Perfect time to check in within. 

The kindness, support and generosity of spirit of the staff is remarkable.  I feel I have room to breathe.  Something I haven't felt in a long time.  Well, on to day two.

Courage to Face Deadend Behaviors

What does it take to see some of our behaviors don't work?  What does it take for us to wrestle with the demands of changing behavior?

My husband and I have an elliptical machine in front of our TV.  We have an agreement that we will use the machine 3-4 times a week.  We agreed that each time we get on the machine is a win, and will be celebrated that way with cheers and bravos.  In the 3 years we have had the machine, we have used it every week.  Maybe only once, but it is used as an exercise machine, not a clothes hanger. 

Small wins but significant.  It gives me pause to ask; can I support myself in developing other behaviors using the same reward system?   Can I somehow reward myself when I don't lose my temper, over indulge, run away, or worse take my love away?

I believe it takes a powerful amount of courage to face our inhumanity, our cruelty, our ambivalence to the pain ans suffering of others, and the injustices we inflict? 

When there is no inherent reward to awaken, or develop our consciousness.  By that I mean we don't immediately become successful, rich, famous, or thin, all the things our world tells us we should be, want and desire.  Sometimes the biggest reward we get for developing our consciousness is more pain and trouble until we have the courage to be able to be with whatever circumstance life gives us. 

 Do I have the courage to see what works and doesn't work and face my dead end behaviors with compassion, joy and humor?  Will I embrace the inhumane within me to transform it for all? 

I remember I worked with a very powerful woman and she joked that in the early days of the Woman's Movement all they did was sit around and complain about men.  However, that was needed in order to get to the other side of the complaints and deal with the issues barefaced and powerfully. 

Courageously facing the dead end issues is the start.  Then celebrating each win just might support the ongoing daily practice.

Why Are We Looking for Quick Answers?

There has recently been a tragic event in our world.  One of many senseless acts of violence.  I began asking myself  how to get at the root of these seemingly random violent acts.  I had to stop myself, as I could tell I wanted to get an answer quickly, so I didn't have to experience the pain of seeing why things are the way they are.  I want to get a fast answer, something that would sooth my mind, make me feel in control again, so I could go back to living my life as I had before the event.

I could see that to continue living my life from a place of trying to maintain comfort, was not going to be of service at this time.  that I might need to slow down and really look at my thoughts, see what I was projecting, and determine if there were any new actions I could begin to take to move myself towards a more peaceful resolution.

So, what does all this mean?  I have had some events, personally, that triggered angry and dark thoughts.  Thoughts of wanting retribution, or getting even for the pain that was inflicted upon me. You know, the good old 'teach someone a lesson' type behavior that I leaned many years ago from my Grandmothers.  the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the disappearing act.  all these covert behaviors that want someone to change.

I have tried to communicate and saw that sometimes I just opened up a can or worms, and I was paying the price of being the one to speak.  Anyone else experience that?  So, I had chosen to shut down and shut up.  Not my best decision.  So, what about communicating from a place of curiosity?  A place of acceptance, compassion, and desire to move beyond the limited scope of what I am looking at?  How do I encourage myself to grow, when every cell in my body screams to shut down, sit down, and keep to myself?

In this uncomfortable space, I want a quick answer, one to release the pain of living, go back to the warm cave of forgetfulness.

It's not possible any more.  I need to be willing to be comfortable with uncomfortablness.

Why is it so Important to fit in?

We all like to think of ourselves as independent, think for ourselves kind of gal/guy, so why do we work so hard to fit in?

I just read an article by Steve Carell in which he says he has finally come to terms with his uncoolness.  He accepted that part of himself is just a nerd, and not part of the in-crowd.  Reading that gave me pause to question myself and wonder; why is it so important to fit into a crowd?  Especially the 'in crowd'.  As if they had some secret answer to life itself.  Does food tasted better with them, clothes looked better, was sex better, all was answered inside this quest for acceptance by the cool people?

Most of us had some kind of High School trauma associated with being found out to be 'not cool' or unacceptable by the cool folks.  Why is that?  When so much value is placed on being separate, an individual, rugged, having our own thoughts? 

On the flip side, I've met a few individuals that considered themselves 'individualistic' and, quite frankly they were hard to spend any amount of time with. 

What do you see?  What is your take on this?  I would love to hear your point of view.

Practcing Peace

What is it really to practice peace?  What does peace really look and feel like?  Is it a world without conflict? or war?

Or could it be an inner peace, a making friends with ourselves, showing compassion and patience for our short tempers, cruel snarky remarks, even crueler thoughts, and judgements of others.  Making peace in times of war and great turbulence is the ability to not pull back from tough times, but step into each moment aware and conscious.

Making peace is looking within not pointing our fingers at others behavior.  Peace starts right in our shoes, right in our homes, with our fragile families and seeing our reaction to their behavior so we can finally disentangle the mess.  Easy to say, harder to do, as we are addicted to finding fault in others.  It's so much easier to blame the other than to look within at ourselves.

But there is no fulfillment or happiness in finding fault with others.  Inside judging others there is only the practice of being critical, bitter and angry.  I am reminded of a story about the Buddha. 
In a small town, a mad elephant came charging through the streets, the elephant came upon the Buddha and calmed down.  It's a story that illustrates that a calm centered mind can make a difference to a wild untamed unfocused mind, or minds. 

Today, be generous with yourself and others and practice peace.

Sweeping Under the Rug

As a kid, Saturdays were very special days.  No school and no church to have to go to.  It was a day to revel in being a kid.  Except for chores.  Like some kind of strange magic in the night, my mother would place on the edge of my bed, my Saturday to-do list.  It would be the first thing I saw when I awoke.

The list seemed endless.  Sweeping all the steps in the house including the ones to the basement, dusting the living and dining rooms, collecting the dirty towels for the laundry and straighten up my half of the bedroom that I shared with my older sister.  Which meant;  put my toys and books away.

Most of my chores I could get done well before anyone else in the house woke up, except in the bedroom as  my sister slept forever on Saturday mornings! She would crab and complain that I "was making too much noise" and she was sleeping so "go away!"

 One Saturday morning I got a great idea, to speed things up why don't I put all my toys under my bed!  I could do that silently, quickly and not disturb my sleeping sister.  Then I could get on with the rest of my chores and out to play. 

I'm so smart, I thought!  No one will ever suspect.  So, I proceeded with my plan and was outside wonderfully early.  I walked throughout the still slumbering silent neighborhood and watched as it slowly began to greet the day. 

I watched the skinny alley cats padding through the trash barrels and heard the blue jays call out their teasing and dissent.  Watched the paperboy toss the folded paper as it thumped on the front porches.

The morning was beautiful as the light grew and sounds developed throughout the neighborhood.  I went back home a few hours later to discover I was in the dog house.  My plan to clean up quickly had backfired and all my toys and books were tossed on top of my bed.  I was told, quite coldly,  that this kind of shenanigan would not be tolerated in this home "Young Missy".

In retrospect, I appreciate being held to a higher account than my shortcut thinking.  It is a lesson I have reminded myself of often.  However, I will never forget that magical Saturday morning as I was one with nature and the natural world unfolded in my presence.

Keeping it Together

I recently saw the movie "The Avengers". It was great, delightful, funny, dark, brooding, a story of good vs. evil using comic book heroes. Well, it is a movie based on a Marvel comic book, which were stories based on Greek and Roman mythology. But, I digress.

I was deeply moved by Mark Ruffalo's portrayal of Bruce Banner/The Hulk. He captured the struggle that we all know so well. Dealing with our inner demons. The effort we exert in keeping our temper, anger, rage or plain old petty jealousies in check. We go along and are fine, fine, fine, then something sets us off: Ka-blowie!

We have all done it at one time or another. It could be delays in traffic, a forgotten bill to pay, a broken cup, or a perceived slight. Something sets us off and we 'hulk' out.

There is a touching scene in the movie in which Dr Bruce Banner says he started to help others and that seemed to ease the incidences of his anger, of him becoming 'the other guy' as he calls it.

When we help others ultimately we help ourselves. Said another way, what we give we get. It was a great reminder.

Trusting the Path

I get questioned, 'How do I know I am on the right path, or in the right job or relationship?"  I have  asked these very questions myself. 

These particular questions don't serve the person asking. Asking these questions creates a kind of hard edged experience of the world, one's contribution to the world and a hard edged view of oneself.

 There are better ways to ask what is being asked, ways that open up paths never seen before, not traveled, and unique to your success.  What if you assumed for a moment that you were on the right path, the path wasn't in question.  What was open for exploration was what what actions you could take today to further your development, your growth within your relationships, or your skills. 

Perhaps the path will always be foggy, slightly unclear, nebulous, ambiguous and uncertain  if it is a path worth taking. 

Greatest Gift

The greatest gifts I have ever gotten came from the lowest lows, problems and obstacles I've faced.  From the ashes of downsizing, or a failed relationship or a loss of a dearly beloved pet, I was able to gather strength, develop new capacities and uncover talents I never thought I possessed.

Some have called this the silver lining in every cloud, but I think that diminishes the 'knock the teeth out of you' of the challenges and the potential for authentic transformation.  The real transformation of who and what I am comes from leaning into the places I fear, regret, or want to avoid. 

Keep Today True

Keep today true to you.  Just today, keep your eyes on the prize of today.  Breathe in the fresh air of this minute.  Love the eyes of the person you gaze at for this second.  Feel the softness of your skin on the material it touches.

Keep true to today. Just today do something that builds your creativity, releases your regrets, or makes you laugh.  Take one step toward freedom from your past negative experiences, learn from them in a positive way and safe guard yourself from cynicism. 

Keep true to today.  Let today shine through your eyes, liberate the song in your voice,  and break the barriers in your heart.  Keep today true and tomorrow will be just fine.

The What and Why of Life

There are many demands placed on us everyday and stress can seem everywhere.   Sometimes it can feel like one has lost a connection from the what we are doing to the why we are doing it. That loss of connection can be a contributor to the stress, disease, malfunction and disconnection many people experience.  It can feel like resignation and futility.  Questions can arise of "what's the point?"

I have felt that many times in my life.  I have been lucky  that when I have been engulfed by resignation or despair,  I have been able to take time and ask myself simple, elegant questions that support renewal.

The first question I ask is, what am I focusing on?  My development or reaching some goal?

Goals are wonderful, but if you only chase goals the pressures of achievement can quickly collapse around you.  Goals give direction, help center energies,  give a profound sense of advancement.  But to live only for the goal is to lose sight of the beauty every minute of every day. 

It's rather like being in school and worrying about your grades.  If you are constantly worrying about your grade when are you going to study?  Or losing weight, if you are always watching the scale you don't get the beauty of the change of lifestyle your goal is providing.

I return to the process, take it one step at a time and watch as I build new talents and capacities within myself that will reflect in outer circumstances, environments and opportunities.  Like the shell made each day by the sea creature within, building their castle one moment at a time.

Unsung Heroes

Feet.  We forget how important they are.  We use them everyday, all day.  They stand us up, move us from place to place and keep us steady whenever we want and each time we want.

I don't know about you, but I don't think about how important my feet are until they give me trouble.  Last week my toes on my left foot started to ache so much that it caused pains up the front of my calf.  I had difficulty standing, walking and cramps in my calf muscles wake me from a sound sleep and wouldn't release until I walked it out.

As I was rocking in pain, I realized how little I notice or take care of my feet, how little attention I give them.   That thought gave me pause to consider the many other things that I take for granted.  I thought of the many parts of my body that work constantly to keep me alive and functioning.  I thought of the many things in my life that work endlessly giving me ease and comfort.  Hot and cold fresh running water, electricity to light the night and operate all the appliances in my house. 

Then I thought of the people that I love that care and support me.  It was quite humbling to realize the wonderful life I lead and how often I forget that fact.  It's so strange that I need reminders to get present to how perfect life really is.

Clover Fields

I grew up in the Midwest.   When you caught the first sight of the clover flowers in the fields you knew summer was almost here.  It was a welcome sight.  After a long winter of snow storms, bitter cold walks to school, and rainy spring days, to see the clover flowers dotting the yards was a welcome sight.  That meant tennis shoes, cut offs and lazy hot days ahead.  

The clover flowers would cover the yards and fields we would explore throughout the summer months.  Bumblebees would ramble around the flowers dipping up and down in the flowers.  An occasional Robin would land in the field and snatch up a worm.  Mostly, we could lay in the clover and look up in the sky and make pictures out of the clouds, an alligator here, an elephants rear there. 

This morning on my 6 AM walk in the park with the dogs, the baseball field was covered with clover flowers. Seeing the little buds of white dotting the field was a fond moment on this wet damp cool morning.

Small Miracles

As I have been downsized from my job, I have had some time to take long walks with my dogs.  I have three dogs, three boxers.  They are sensitive, athletic and high-energy.  They are loving this time together.

I have had the time and energy to take them on some lovely long walks along the Palos Verdes coast.  Trump Golf Course, the cove just off PV Drive West, the fire road at the end of Crenshaw Blvd, and the trails off of Crest Street.  Each walk has offered them many new smells with which to become engrossed.  However, for me, it has been the views that have taken all thought out of my head. 

That is a considerable task these days, as I seem to have a lot of concerns about when I will get a new position.  To experience moments of reprieve from the constant nattering of the negative voice in my head is a small miracle.

That small miracle gives me moments of such beauty and peace, if I were a poet I could come close to eliciting the experience in this blog.  So, here is my shot at communicating these moments of bliss.

I see shimmering ocean waves endlessly rushing and crashing into the rocky shore, clear blue skies that stretch for miles above me uninterrupted by any clouds, and hear the songs of birds calling out to each other.  The colors of the sky, sea, trees, sand and ocean surf amaze me.  I live in such a beautiful place. 

While I enjoy these moments of physical and mental beauty, my dogs are busy sniffing out smells, playing tag and chasing one another.  We make quite a team.  Me, breathing in a moment of bliss my way, and the dogs their way. 

What is Intuition anyway?

We hear a lot about intuition, but rarely do we understand what it is, how to develop it, or what it can give to us and our closest people. 

I was on a coaching call with one of my clients one day, and in our conversation I realized that intuition was clearing one's mind of all the judgements, opinions, assumptions and criticisms long enough so you can hear what is present for others.  When you can step aside from all the usual thoughts and ramblings you can listen with new ears.  These new ears will give you  remarkable insights to the people in the room, what is known there, what isn't known there, the emotional goings on, and a whole world of energies to which most of the time one is oblivious.

Here is the real challenge, what do you do next?  Once you get present to the room, to the emotional charges in the room you will begin to ask yourself, well, now what do I do?  It can feel confusing, but if you allow yourself to stay with the confusion and the disarray something complete clear will be make known, and most likely to you alone.  Follow that, take that action, slowly and watch what happens.

Creative Mindset

Its a funny thing about designing our life's purpose, or asking for what we want from life, we have some preconceived ideas that could sabotage our thinking.

I'm not referring to the usual thoughts that people have already bumped up against.   For example,  "I don't deserve X"  or "How can I get X to happen when  I can't even Y".  Familiar one that we hear and have heard others speak about.

No, I mean something we inherited from the past.  We think of all goals as things or solid objects.  Something to hold in our hands, like a trophy.  Maybe they aren't.  Maybe goals or designing our life's purpose is something to be nurtured everyday, examined everyday, and gently attended to everyday.  Maybe there is no achievement as we have inherited achievement from our grandparents or parents.  Like a field to be plowed, or seed to be planted, cities to be built, roads to carved out of the earth.  Tangible, hard fast achievement, with an end game.

I'm  suggesting  that while we think of purpose or asking for what we want as things, we also think that  we only need ask once or achieve the end results once. 

A life's purpose is not a thing like a painting or a mechanical invention.  These are not things at all, but thoughts that create a world, and if the world you are creating for yourself, or asking for, hasn't happened yet, keep asking keep creating, keep focusing.

Develop a creative mindset.

Stillness

Practicing stillness gains clarity, focus and being one with your surroundings. 
It's like being an archer, you stay still and only release your arrow until you are still and one with your breath. 
Maybe all communications and connections are a physical manifestation of you being an archer, being still and centered while all around you is churning and in turmoil.  You release your arrow of communication after you have gained stillness within.
Then watch the ripple of your communication and learn.
You are not alone, you are not separate, you are part of the journey towards greater fulfillment, development and prosperity.
Stillness is one way to perfect your aim and develop your power.

I had one of 'those days' yesterday.  Frustration multiplied at every turn. The last straw hit me when I was fumbling with assorted items I had just gotten at Costco.  While gathering them from my car, I dropped a new white cotton tank top in the muddy sewer water in the gutter and I lost it.  I exploded like a 5 year old who's told they can't have candy on Halloween.  Luckily, I had the thought "My neighbors are probably watching me", I paused and stopped.

That pause saved that moment and  the rest of my day, because I stopped the momentum of anger and frustration and got still.  Remarkably, the anger just vanished, I calmly picked up the now muddy tank top and the rest of my things and went into the house, washed the top, and went about my day.

It gave me pause to consider:  I've got to come to terms with all parts of myself if I'm ever to move forward.  That 5 year-old, who has temper tantrums, the greedy 8 year-old that likes candy before supper, the self-centered 13 year-old who mopes about the house.  All of it.  It is all in me.  And when I get pressed, or stressed, it all comes out.  There is no pill, or diet or chant or prayer that will eliminate those parts of myself.  Or fix what I think is irrepairable. 

Only compassion for the path I am on and the path that those around me are on.  Gentle compassion that tells the truth that the road is rough and uncertain now.  In those moments of compassion, or grace, I will turn the corner with ease.  It's  resistance to that 5, 8 and 13 year-old in me that gets me stuck in doubt worry and anger. 

Resistance and judgement that "I shouldn't be that way, I should be this way", or, " I know how it should be and this ain't it".  That level of thinking usually gets me stuck, unmoving unbending, and worse unreachable.  Truth be told, I'm not interested in being stuck. 

Here's to embracing all of life, as it is now.

"The Best Advice I Ever Got"

In Katie Couric's book, "The Best Advice I Ever Got' there is a story from Christina Applegate called:  "You Don't Have the Luxury of Negative Thoughts".  I recommend you read the story for yourself to get the full benefit of what she accomplished in very challenging times.

I am facing challenging times, and what I hear in my inner voice is that advice, which came to Ms Applegate by way of Michael Beckwith.  Currently, I don't have the luxury of negative thoughts.  Negative thoughts are a kind of indulgence, distraction,  a way of justifying and getting myself off the hook for the results in my live. 

It takes an awareness, and conscious choice to look directly and honestly at any circumstance, situation or obstacle with clarity.  I get labeled a 'Pollyanna', for what seems positive thinking, but really I'm keeping myself focused on what works and highlighting that.  I have found that takes a kind of courage, persistence and fortitude not taught in schools but learned in the school of life.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

Here's to abundance consciousness.

How to Avoid Burning the Candle at Both Ends

In today's economic climate, how do we avoid burning our candles at both ends?  In a time where most of us are doing 3-4 jobs, as we take up the jobs that our co-workers were downsized from 3 years ago, the question seems a little late in asking.  None the less, it is an important question to wrap our minds around as it seems that the new job climate is to expect more and pay less.

So, how do you keep from burning out, wiping out and dropping out?  The safest practice to begin is sitting quietly in a room, with no TV, radio or computer on to distract you.  See just how long you can do it.  5 minutes will seem an eternity.

However, the daily practice of sitting quietly can be a beginning of a beautiful love affair, with yourself.  My daily practice begins first thing in the morning.  I set the timer for 15 minutes of quiet time.  I begin each day with that.  Instead of rushing into the day, I give my body and mind a moment of stillness.  Something I notice that had missing for so long I didn't even realize it until I began the practice, and like a long lost friend, was back fully and easily as if it had never left.

Give your mind a moment to breathe, listen to the quiet, feel the stillness, and pay attention.

Who Are We

I loved this picture when I first laid eyes on it.   The ever changing nature of being human. 

We laugh and cry all within the span of a few minutes.  Emotions charge through us, desire burns in our minds and bellies.  And yet who are we really?

Are we our heritage?  or upbringing?  or personalities?  our likes and dislikes?
Or are we something bigger and beyond all these things?  Our likes change as we grow, the memories of our past fades and we don't really remember exactly how things happened, yet we hold on to the images of our past as if they were real.

Who are we really? 

I like to think that we are spiritual beings having a human experience.  We are co-creators of our world, not just victims in our world.  That is easy to say and very challenging to live.  I can recount all the times I was just darn sure that I was a victim of circumstance, not creating any experience.

But as I get older and open up to the design of the world as it is, not as I want it to be or as the media tells me it is, I see I have a choice in each minute to add grace and compassion to each event that unfolds before me.  That could be the only test that life gives us day in and day out.  Will we add love or not?

What Do You Do?

Just when you think, 'now I'm getting it together', 'now, finally I will get all the pieces to fit and have it all'.  It's at that time when life tends to throw me a wild pitch.Something such as being downsized from a job, or chest pains in a loved one with a midnight trip to the ER.

Something to test my sense of confidence, self reliance and grace.  Personally, I could do without the tests and pretend I passed, huh?  Lets just say I have all those qualities, and don't have to prove it.

Sounds like a bad resume, with brags of jobs done, and education achieved, but no such things have happened.  I've heard that technology resumes from certain eastern countries are notorious for that. 

Okay so, I'll take the tests that life is whipping at me these days, keep track of my daily progress, the wind and the not so wins.  These things may not be written on my new resume, but they will be written on my soul.  I will know the times I handled challenges with grace, and the times I just reached my limit and gave upholding it together.  Both were valuable lessons.  Both helped me grow.

Friend Within

Embracing all the aspects of myself that I resist, invalidate and fear, seems like it would be easy in this ego driven world we've inherited. One would think, as it seems we are so self absorbed these days, it would be nothing to like ourselves.  But I find in talking to many many people, the invalidation of self is ever present.

Why?  What is really going on? 

I stood before the mirror and looked deeply in my eyes, to get to know that person there, not the one I thought I was in my mind.  Who I am now.

I found at first the constant critical voice judging and evaluating my skin, hair, shape, abilities and temper.  I listened as that inner voice so easily and quickly listed my good points and bad points without any real thought. Wow, I must be doing that all the time, and just don't notice it, like white noise, it is in the background but there just the same.  And when I am judging, love is not present.

I considered that to develop real love, I need to begin within.  I started a reality check, to be able to objectively see my talents and shortcomings.  But to see them without anger or resentment, just see them as they are.  I discovered it's not about getting rid of my shortcomings, impatience, fears, worries or doubts, but gaining peace through them.  Embracing them and like and old friend, sitting down and  having dinner with them. 

Labyrinth Walk

I am very grateful that just down the street from my house there are two labyrinth walks.  One is an outside rock garden, the other is inside the nave of a church.  Both are beautiful walks, and I consider the weather conditions as to which walk I will do that day.

While I was walking the inside walk this morning as it was a cold and foggy morning, I was struck by the genius that developed the walk so many centuries ago.   The invention of a walking meditation, different from a seated meditation,  that the path itself which has you change your dominate foot at each turn, which temporarily reprograms the wiring in your brain.  It's rather like changing how you brush your teeth from right hand to left hand every few moments of brushing your teeth.  It shifts your focus, forces you to get present to what you are doing rather than going numb or unconscious to your movements.

I was struck by the beauty of the walk, and how easy and delicate it was, that I was connecting myself to centuries of teachers, sages, mentors and leaders that have given us simple paths to enlightenment, and that it was still here in our world!  Wow!

Sunrise/Sunset

Yesterday, I was up and out the door by 6 AM.  I got to see the sunrise.  It is always a treat for me to watch the sun come up, as the light gently warms the sky. The interesting thing was watching the sunset on the same day.

While watching the sunset on a beautiful day spent outdoors,  I began wondering, "What are we doing, we human beings, to our planet?" We get so involved in all our dramas of survival, making money, spending money, arguing of what is the best diet, exercise program, religion, politics, laws, leaders good and evil, right and wrong, domination and avoidance and on and on.  When I really get present to it all I get dizzy, and slightly confused.  There is no way to make it stop, or ignore it. 

Then I began thinking, "Wait, what am I doing?"  Or more importantly, "What can I do, what could I do to support our world?"  Rather than getting on some soapbox and declare  some one way as the right way, what if I just looked inside my heart and asked myself, what can I do each day to be true  to myself and support our planet? 

I would love to tell you I have an answer, but I do not.  The powerful thing is I have begun to ask the question in such a way that a path will be shown to me, of that I have no worries.  I choose to live a life of embracing change, embracing profound love and take it one step at a time.  Sounds simple?  I know it is not.  It will challenge my old values, static ideas and old notions of reality.  It's slightly confronting to look from here.  Just a little transformational, in that I feel like I am walking during an earthquake, with no sure footing, but with a lot of inner peace.

Creative Universe

While walking with my dogs the other day, I paused to look at the beautiful rose garden of one of my neighbors.  (No, not the one pictured in the photo)  I was struck by the diversity and creativity of our world.  Nature has such abundance of life forms, from the simple to the complex.  It is designed to work together, collaborating on a basic level of cooperation.  I was in awe and wondered how I can be of service to our world during this challenging time of dramatic change.

Phoenix Rising

This is a picture from last nights aurora borealis light show.  It has been lovingly refereed to as "The Phoenix".

The phoenix is a mythical creature that rises from it's own ashes.  A remarkable story of rebirth from the ashes of destruction.  The wizard Dumbledore from the Harry Potter books had a phoenix as his familiar. 

It reminds me of the white buffalo that was born in the early 90's in Northern Minnesota.  Many of the Native American tribes said it was a good omen of prosperity and regeneration for the tribes.  Maybe this is our sign of renewal and prosperous times ahead.

Being Yourself

 The book, and ultimately the move, of "To Kill a Mockingbird" is a multilayered  gem of human experience.

There is the wonderfully diametrically opposed relationships of fathers daughters with the gentle mentor relationship between Atticus and Scout, and  the dominating and abusive father daughter relationship of Tom and Mayella Ewell. 

 The juxtaposition of society of the times being exposed for all it's blatant inequities and injustices.  Each time I view the movie or read a small passage of the book,I open myself to compassion for what it takes to be true to yourself regardless of the norms of society. 

Integrity, and sense of conscious and the idea that the way you behaved whether people saw you or not is central to becoming yourself. 

It is a great piece of work and a helpful guide to being yourself.

Saving the World, or Us

"No matter how many times you save the world, it always manages to get back in jeopardy again. Sometimes I just want it to stay saved! You know, for a little bit? I feel like the maid; I just cleaned up this mess! Can we keep it clean for... for ten minutes" Mr. Incredible

I love the movie The Incredibles.  Very fun and funny, in such a compelling way.  I laughed out loud with a chuckle of recognition in Mr. Incredible saying "I just want it to stay saved." 

That's a little bit like my relationship with me and wanting to keep it together.  I just want to finally once and for all get my stuff in order, ya know?  Get my workouts effective once and for all, meditate enough I will then gain clarity once and for all, get my posture perfect, or money handled once and for all.  And the list goes on and on. 

However, it doesn't work that way.  The essence of life is is changeability and challenges, just when we thought our money was handled, stocks go down, or someone is laid off, just when we get into a rhythm in our jogging, our knees blow out.  The attempt to make life static can get us in muddy waters. 

The world ain't going to be saved, so we can stop trying to get it to tow the line and be perfect.  Neither are we going to be perfect, so we can relax and breathe.  We can practice mercy, compassion and joy at our foibles, inconsistencies, and downright stubbornness. 

In the times when I pressed, I stop and breathe.