There has recently been a tragic event in our world. One of many senseless acts of violence. I began asking myself how to get at the root of these seemingly random violent acts. I had to stop myself, as I could tell I wanted to get an answer quickly, so I didn't have to experience the pain of seeing why things are the way they are. I want to get a fast answer, something that would sooth my mind, make me feel in control again, so I could go back to living my life as I had before the event.
I could see that to continue living my life from a place of trying to maintain comfort, was not going to be of service at this time. that I might need to slow down and really look at my thoughts, see what I was projecting, and determine if there were any new actions I could begin to take to move myself towards a more peaceful resolution.
So, what does all this mean? I have had some events, personally, that triggered angry and dark thoughts. Thoughts of wanting retribution, or getting even for the pain that was inflicted upon me. You know, the good old 'teach someone a lesson' type behavior that I leaned many years ago from my Grandmothers. the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the disappearing act. all these covert behaviors that want someone to change.
I have tried to communicate and saw that sometimes I just opened up a can or worms, and I was paying the price of being the one to speak. Anyone else experience that? So, I had chosen to shut down and shut up. Not my best decision. So, what about communicating from a place of curiosity? A place of acceptance, compassion, and desire to move beyond the limited scope of what I am looking at? How do I encourage myself to grow, when every cell in my body screams to shut down, sit down, and keep to myself?
In this uncomfortable space, I want a quick answer, one to release the pain of living, go back to the warm cave of forgetfulness.
It's not possible any more. I need to be willing to be comfortable with uncomfortablness.
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