Questioning Integrity

I have been pondering the notion of  integrity, what is integrity, and why has there been such a confusion between morality and integrity?  

I have no real answers. However, a thought drifted past my mind this morning in the state between sleep and awakening, what if the deepest break in a person's integrity is the inner dislike for self? 

I suffer from the disease of low self-esteem.  Funny how a disease sounds so trivial when you name is, but on the inside it wrecks so much havoc.

I have noticed that most of my life has been about my lack of self-worth and the constant challenge to gain validation, at best acceptance at least a place of feeling neutral.  

Here is what I've discovered, there is no such place unless one creates it.  But what is there to create?

What would I create if I thought I could? I would be self reliant, or self refereed, I would not have a concern about the good or bad opinion of others. I laugh a mocking laugh at myself, as it feels like a dream to live in that world. To build my ultimate integrity; it is time for me to create that world for myself.  Not wait for others to create it for me.

I remember, when I was a very young girl, African America women were not considered beautiful; at all.  And somewhere in the 70's "Black is Beautiful" was declared.  It grew from a deceleration.  .  Now look at the world in which we live, images of women are not limited to tall Swedish blonds, or Snow White raven haired pale white skinned youths.  

There is no other way worlds become alive and living for us; we declare them and live as if it were true, regardless of the circumstances.

So, this becomes the turning point:  I am whole and complete, a full expression of the life force which is unending, limitless, and ever present.