Will I Ever Get Past Being a Teenager?

Watching on of my husband's favorite TV shows last night, Glee, I was chuckling on the 'teen drama' depicted in the show.  Both my husband and I agreed, it's a better show when they just sing and dance.
But that thought gave me pause, am I really beyond being an angst-filled, drama-induced teenager?

I certainly have days, sometimes weeks, filled with dramas, anger over perceived slights from friends, co workers or bosses.  Perhaps I haven't completely grown up or moved on?  Perhaps I still like my dramas, my upsets, my fantasies of how I am a diamond covered in coal and people just don't see past the coal to see my true worth.  LOL  The truth is, I 'know' better.

I know that no one will discover the true worth of me before I do and am willing to be at peace with myself.  I know that what I focus on will most likely come to fruition.

Every once in a while, I catch myself having dark desperate thoughts, and then putting the mental breaks on, saying something to the effect of, "Woa-woa-slow-down-stop-stop-stop".  In a crazy way, I actually saw that there is something hypnotic about the dramas I play out in my mind.  Something in all that some part of me likes. What is that all about, huh?

So, what do I do about it?  Perhaps that is where art, music and writing can play an unmeasurable part.  Giving us a place to put these dark thoughts, that we would never wish upon ourselves, or others, but we do need a place for it.  We cannot have the light without the dark.  And sometimes the dark is in the light and the light is in the dark.  It gives us a more rounded experience of life, a more balanced one.

Releasing Energy

"An integral being knows without going, sees without looking, and accomplishes without doing."  Lao Tzu

The first time I heard this quote, over 25 years ago, I thought, "I want some of that!".  As I visit this quote from time to time in my life, I have come to wonder if there isn't something about releasing resistance to what I think life is that could be a gateway towards this kind of integrity.
Perhaps what keeps me from being the integral being that I express the desire to be, is resistance I experience from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. 

Resistance to my friends and family being who and what they are, the economy being what it is, politicians being who they are, the media permeating and penetrating each moment telling me who and what I should be, and all the things and ideals that has been handed down from teachers, priests and authority figures since communication began.  All that could be pent up energy that the release of which....wow I can only imagine the difference.

Deepak Chopra says that if we really examine natures intelligence it functions with effortless ease and abandoned carefreeness.  What a wonderful idea to try on.  I could live my life through effortless ease, knowing that the power of my resistance-free emotions and thoughts will  manifest not only for my good but for the good of all around me.  I do not need to struggle, or hurt myself, or deny myself, or suppress myself, I can be one with the intelligence of how the world works. 

Negative Thinking is a Luxury I Can't Afford

It really comes down to realizing that my negative thoughts about my abilities is a luxury that keeps me not only stuck in the same patterns,  but also not taking any steps to grow and develop myself.

What else is there to say?  Self-doubt, worry and insecurities are things I use to keep me playing small, not taking the classes I need to gain new skills, or gain a greater physical ability. 

The constant nag of negative thinking is just that a nag.  It may never go away completely, but I can choose to bring myself forward to rise to the occasion of learning, growth and fulfillment. 

Things happen, I may not like the circumstances I am living within, but I can change my point of view form one of negative complaining to something else.  I have that choice at every moment. 

Creativity

We are moving from the age of information, to the age of creativity.  With information at our fingertips, or an Internet connection away, what I mean by that we no longer need to go somewhere to get information, or struggle to find information, we just need to go to Google and type in something close to the question or information we need and or want, information is an abundant commodity.  What is now the highest value is the creativity through which we use this information.  That is good news for us right-brained thinkers, the creatives which before this time have been less valued.  We have valued the left-brainers, the math & science people.  Now, do not misunderstand me, math, science technology will always be high value, but HOW the math and science and technology is applied will be the true test.

So, I have given myself some goals in expanding my creativity.  I am currently putting together a chocolate cookbook.  Chocolate recipes are everywhere, but how I put this together is the opportunity of my creativity.

I will also give myself the challenge to be creative in my blog.  to bring out my creative abilities in expression, language, and writing. 

How fun!

Daily Beauty

When I take a moment to become aware, to step aside from the fog of living day to day, with it's concerns, worries and frustrations, I see the majestic beauty of our planet. 
This beauty is expressed in each blade of grass, leaf on a bush and the branches of the trees in my backyard.
I don't have to go some place with expansive vistas, as wonderful and as beautiful as they are, I can see beauty all around me.
What a magnificent world.  I so want to be a reflection of that beauty, inside and out.
So, I choose to honor my body and mind with practices that support my care, health and development. It makes sense to me that if I want this world to last,  I can start is by believing in the spirit within, and do what I can to nurture that spirit. 
I can get trapped by the instant gratification of the media, of quick money schemes, or weight loss, or transformation.  However, there is not fast way to spiritual development. It takes a daily respect of self, not ego, but self to be a refection of the world I profess to love.  So, I keep my focus on loving, compassion and trust that if I follow this path, it will allow me the opening for the spirit within to manifest what I need each day, month and year to grow. 

Questioning Integrity

I have been pondering the notion of  integrity, what is integrity, and why has there been such a confusion between morality and integrity?  

I have no real answers. However, a thought drifted past my mind this morning in the state between sleep and awakening, what if the deepest break in a person's integrity is the inner dislike for self? 

I suffer from the disease of low self-esteem.  Funny how a disease sounds so trivial when you name is, but on the inside it wrecks so much havoc.

I have noticed that most of my life has been about my lack of self-worth and the constant challenge to gain validation, at best acceptance at least a place of feeling neutral.  

Here is what I've discovered, there is no such place unless one creates it.  But what is there to create?

What would I create if I thought I could? I would be self reliant, or self refereed, I would not have a concern about the good or bad opinion of others. I laugh a mocking laugh at myself, as it feels like a dream to live in that world. To build my ultimate integrity; it is time for me to create that world for myself.  Not wait for others to create it for me.

I remember, when I was a very young girl, African America women were not considered beautiful; at all.  And somewhere in the 70's "Black is Beautiful" was declared.  It grew from a deceleration.  .  Now look at the world in which we live, images of women are not limited to tall Swedish blonds, or Snow White raven haired pale white skinned youths.  

There is no other way worlds become alive and living for us; we declare them and live as if it were true, regardless of the circumstances.

So, this becomes the turning point:  I am whole and complete, a full expression of the life force which is unending, limitless, and ever present. 

Discovering True Worth

I've been spending too much mental time assessing my true worth based on outside influences.  And then, I looked at this picture. 

What is the true size of the ice?  That which is above the water?  That which can be seen?  Or is there something deeper, more powerful, more expansive that lies below the surface?

If my ego assumes that I am only the part of me that is seen, or valued from outside influences, I might never realize how capable, dynamic and influential I am. 

True worth is best revealed in times of challenges, other wise known as trying times or problems.  All the things my ego runs from.  I saw true worth in action this week while visiting the Orange County Community Foundation's annual meeting.  In 2008 they declared that in this time of financial upheaval, no service to the community would diminish, that they would pick up the slack.  Since that time, 2008-2011, they have granted over $100 million to local organizations to support education, health, arts and culture, human services and environment.  That is extraordinary, beyond what has been considered giving. It put them in the top 10% of Community Foundation across the nation. 

What I was present to was a willingness to work with the current circumstances and develop themselves to a higher level of leadership, compassion, influence and consciousness.  All capacities the live 'below' the water line.

Here's to awakening 'below the water'!