Back in 'Life' After a Retreat

Monday was my first day back from a weekend retreat.  The retreat was three days of meditation, both sitting and walking meditations.  I attended this retreat as I have been challenged in several areas and wanted a guided time to disentangle my issues from the circumstances.

We all have circumstances, it's how we deal with these circumstances that determine our health, wealth, relationships, quality of life and experience of fulfillment.  Lately my experience of fulfillment has been -5. 

I began to ask the question; am I really so dependant on hearing 'thank you' or 'this is great' or even just an emotional acknowledgement from someone?  In the absence of that why do I get all wound up, angry and wanting to take myself out of the game?  Yes, I have old issues from my past of being ignored and expected to 'do the dirty work' because we don't want to.  Yes, I would say we all have some of that happened to us.

I read a marvelous quote, "How people treat you is their karma, how you respond is yours".

I am dealing with an aging in-law who must be depressed as she cannot recognize an act of kindness, what she sees is what's missing or more accurately what's wrong with you.  To say I've been upset by that is putting it mildly. 

My action to take is a compassionate request to stop the behavior that upsets me, maybe something as simple as "I wish you wouldn't speak to me that way", or "Please look at me when you talk to me".  I've discovered one can't behave 'as a creep' if you are in relationship with that person, or looking them in the eyes.  All the anger dissipates.  Mine as well.

More tomorrow!

Retreat Day Three

I have been meditating for almost 4 years now; on my own.  I guess I'm a bit of a fluke, or an independent spirit. I would, every few months, think to myself that I would like to find a teacher of meditation.  However, the people I checked into never really inspired me, or felt quite right.  It's serious business who you choose to study with, giving them access to your thinking and perceptions of life.

So, in my point of view, I felt justified in my caution and research to find what I trusted.  I chose the Shambala Meditation Center, and found a workplace in Venice.  Not exactly down the street from me, but better than the option in Pasadena.  I signed up for Warrior I weekend.  Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday from 8 - 6. 

It was an amazing experience, for two full days no computer, email, phone, TV, radio, news, gossip, etc.  I had the feeling that my mind was getting a gentle massage.  I could feel muscles in my head  relax, unwind, and open.  A very different feeling, if you haven't experienced it before.

On Sunday, I was interviewed by the Director of the Shambala Center in Pasadena, the Associate Director and a senior meditation instructor.   What I liked was the senior level of teacher.  these people have seen a lot, been through a lot, and are masterful in listening openly and authentically.  That was a real gift. 

There is so much I want to say about this retreat, so I will be posting more everyday.  Thank you for reading, I appreciate you.

Retreat Day Two

I completed my second day of a weekend retreat.  It is a privilege to be able to take a weekend 'off' and just sit and meditate.  I am blessed that I can afford to participate in the weekend.

I've been able to embrace several different issues.  One being complaints.  I can get really triggered by others complaints.  Funny I don't notice when I complain, but I do notice when others complain.  Mostly I notice the repetitive and persistent pattern to the complaint.  "The same complaint again?"  or "Here we go again" when I listen to someone complain over and over about a spouse, job, boss, co worker, money, the economy, etc, etc, etc.

I finally asked the question, "what do I care if they complain?"  What's it to me?".   I discovered that I am a helper, I want to help ease the pain of the complaint, or erase it. It was a charge I was given at an early age (age 6) to "help your mother, she needs all the help she can get".  All well and good, but not the best attitude to have as an older woman.

 Most people do not need my help.  They sometimes just want to vent to an open ear, a good listener.  but to try and offer solutions to someone who doesn't want  one...ouch, that has gotten me into more trouble.  I discovered most people like their complaints:  don't mess with them.
Whew! Freedom there, I do not have to fix them or anything.

I saw my ego, or what I heretofore called, social grace.  But in this community it was called ego.  Okay, if I am stuck with my way of being social, it's ego, if I can adapt to what is needed, then it is social grace.

I am off to day three.  More later.

Retreat Day One

I am on a 3 day retreat at the Shambala Center in the Westside.  This will be their first weekend retreat as the center just opened this month. It's a Friday evening, all day Saturday and Sunday.  I just completed Friday night.

You may be curious as to why I would attend a retreat, and why Shambala?  I am too. :)

I've been meditating consistently for three years now, and I thought I would benefit from some guidance on a personal level.   I am quite clear I do not know everything, although sometimes my mind likes to tell me differently.  Or is that my mind consistently shares it's opinion with me and I follow along agreeing with every thought.

Why Shambala?  It occurs to me the Shambala centers are interested in supporting people to live productive lives in the world as it is, not to cast off all contact with the world, live austerely and become monks.  As I am in no position or interest in forgoing this crazy world we have now, I am interested in living effectively within it.

I currently I am haveing a good laugh at myself as I have crafted all sorts of dramas to not attend the weekend; my back is out, I don't have anything proper to wear,  and I feel I am failing in my life in every step I take.  Perfect time to check in within. 

The kindness, support and generosity of spirit of the staff is remarkable.  I feel I have room to breathe.  Something I haven't felt in a long time.  Well, on to day two.

Courage to Face Deadend Behaviors

What does it take to see some of our behaviors don't work?  What does it take for us to wrestle with the demands of changing behavior?

My husband and I have an elliptical machine in front of our TV.  We have an agreement that we will use the machine 3-4 times a week.  We agreed that each time we get on the machine is a win, and will be celebrated that way with cheers and bravos.  In the 3 years we have had the machine, we have used it every week.  Maybe only once, but it is used as an exercise machine, not a clothes hanger. 

Small wins but significant.  It gives me pause to ask; can I support myself in developing other behaviors using the same reward system?   Can I somehow reward myself when I don't lose my temper, over indulge, run away, or worse take my love away?

I believe it takes a powerful amount of courage to face our inhumanity, our cruelty, our ambivalence to the pain ans suffering of others, and the injustices we inflict? 

When there is no inherent reward to awaken, or develop our consciousness.  By that I mean we don't immediately become successful, rich, famous, or thin, all the things our world tells us we should be, want and desire.  Sometimes the biggest reward we get for developing our consciousness is more pain and trouble until we have the courage to be able to be with whatever circumstance life gives us. 

 Do I have the courage to see what works and doesn't work and face my dead end behaviors with compassion, joy and humor?  Will I embrace the inhumane within me to transform it for all? 

I remember I worked with a very powerful woman and she joked that in the early days of the Woman's Movement all they did was sit around and complain about men.  However, that was needed in order to get to the other side of the complaints and deal with the issues barefaced and powerfully. 

Courageously facing the dead end issues is the start.  Then celebrating each win just might support the ongoing daily practice.

Why Are We Looking for Quick Answers?

There has recently been a tragic event in our world.  One of many senseless acts of violence.  I began asking myself  how to get at the root of these seemingly random violent acts.  I had to stop myself, as I could tell I wanted to get an answer quickly, so I didn't have to experience the pain of seeing why things are the way they are.  I want to get a fast answer, something that would sooth my mind, make me feel in control again, so I could go back to living my life as I had before the event.

I could see that to continue living my life from a place of trying to maintain comfort, was not going to be of service at this time.  that I might need to slow down and really look at my thoughts, see what I was projecting, and determine if there were any new actions I could begin to take to move myself towards a more peaceful resolution.

So, what does all this mean?  I have had some events, personally, that triggered angry and dark thoughts.  Thoughts of wanting retribution, or getting even for the pain that was inflicted upon me. You know, the good old 'teach someone a lesson' type behavior that I leaned many years ago from my Grandmothers.  the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the disappearing act.  all these covert behaviors that want someone to change.

I have tried to communicate and saw that sometimes I just opened up a can or worms, and I was paying the price of being the one to speak.  Anyone else experience that?  So, I had chosen to shut down and shut up.  Not my best decision.  So, what about communicating from a place of curiosity?  A place of acceptance, compassion, and desire to move beyond the limited scope of what I am looking at?  How do I encourage myself to grow, when every cell in my body screams to shut down, sit down, and keep to myself?

In this uncomfortable space, I want a quick answer, one to release the pain of living, go back to the warm cave of forgetfulness.

It's not possible any more.  I need to be willing to be comfortable with uncomfortablness.

Why is it so Important to fit in?

We all like to think of ourselves as independent, think for ourselves kind of gal/guy, so why do we work so hard to fit in?

I just read an article by Steve Carell in which he says he has finally come to terms with his uncoolness.  He accepted that part of himself is just a nerd, and not part of the in-crowd.  Reading that gave me pause to question myself and wonder; why is it so important to fit into a crowd?  Especially the 'in crowd'.  As if they had some secret answer to life itself.  Does food tasted better with them, clothes looked better, was sex better, all was answered inside this quest for acceptance by the cool people?

Most of us had some kind of High School trauma associated with being found out to be 'not cool' or unacceptable by the cool folks.  Why is that?  When so much value is placed on being separate, an individual, rugged, having our own thoughts? 

On the flip side, I've met a few individuals that considered themselves 'individualistic' and, quite frankly they were hard to spend any amount of time with. 

What do you see?  What is your take on this?  I would love to hear your point of view.

Practcing Peace

What is it really to practice peace?  What does peace really look and feel like?  Is it a world without conflict? or war?

Or could it be an inner peace, a making friends with ourselves, showing compassion and patience for our short tempers, cruel snarky remarks, even crueler thoughts, and judgements of others.  Making peace in times of war and great turbulence is the ability to not pull back from tough times, but step into each moment aware and conscious.

Making peace is looking within not pointing our fingers at others behavior.  Peace starts right in our shoes, right in our homes, with our fragile families and seeing our reaction to their behavior so we can finally disentangle the mess.  Easy to say, harder to do, as we are addicted to finding fault in others.  It's so much easier to blame the other than to look within at ourselves.

But there is no fulfillment or happiness in finding fault with others.  Inside judging others there is only the practice of being critical, bitter and angry.  I am reminded of a story about the Buddha. 
In a small town, a mad elephant came charging through the streets, the elephant came upon the Buddha and calmed down.  It's a story that illustrates that a calm centered mind can make a difference to a wild untamed unfocused mind, or minds. 

Today, be generous with yourself and others and practice peace.

Sweeping Under the Rug

As a kid, Saturdays were very special days.  No school and no church to have to go to.  It was a day to revel in being a kid.  Except for chores.  Like some kind of strange magic in the night, my mother would place on the edge of my bed, my Saturday to-do list.  It would be the first thing I saw when I awoke.

The list seemed endless.  Sweeping all the steps in the house including the ones to the basement, dusting the living and dining rooms, collecting the dirty towels for the laundry and straighten up my half of the bedroom that I shared with my older sister.  Which meant;  put my toys and books away.

Most of my chores I could get done well before anyone else in the house woke up, except in the bedroom as  my sister slept forever on Saturday mornings! She would crab and complain that I "was making too much noise" and she was sleeping so "go away!"

 One Saturday morning I got a great idea, to speed things up why don't I put all my toys under my bed!  I could do that silently, quickly and not disturb my sleeping sister.  Then I could get on with the rest of my chores and out to play. 

I'm so smart, I thought!  No one will ever suspect.  So, I proceeded with my plan and was outside wonderfully early.  I walked throughout the still slumbering silent neighborhood and watched as it slowly began to greet the day. 

I watched the skinny alley cats padding through the trash barrels and heard the blue jays call out their teasing and dissent.  Watched the paperboy toss the folded paper as it thumped on the front porches.

The morning was beautiful as the light grew and sounds developed throughout the neighborhood.  I went back home a few hours later to discover I was in the dog house.  My plan to clean up quickly had backfired and all my toys and books were tossed on top of my bed.  I was told, quite coldly,  that this kind of shenanigan would not be tolerated in this home "Young Missy".

In retrospect, I appreciate being held to a higher account than my shortcut thinking.  It is a lesson I have reminded myself of often.  However, I will never forget that magical Saturday morning as I was one with nature and the natural world unfolded in my presence.