Retreat Day One

I am on a 3 day retreat at the Shambala Center in the Westside.  This will be their first weekend retreat as the center just opened this month. It's a Friday evening, all day Saturday and Sunday.  I just completed Friday night.

You may be curious as to why I would attend a retreat, and why Shambala?  I am too. :)

I've been meditating consistently for three years now, and I thought I would benefit from some guidance on a personal level.   I am quite clear I do not know everything, although sometimes my mind likes to tell me differently.  Or is that my mind consistently shares it's opinion with me and I follow along agreeing with every thought.

Why Shambala?  It occurs to me the Shambala centers are interested in supporting people to live productive lives in the world as it is, not to cast off all contact with the world, live austerely and become monks.  As I am in no position or interest in forgoing this crazy world we have now, I am interested in living effectively within it.

I currently I am haveing a good laugh at myself as I have crafted all sorts of dramas to not attend the weekend; my back is out, I don't have anything proper to wear,  and I feel I am failing in my life in every step I take.  Perfect time to check in within. 

The kindness, support and generosity of spirit of the staff is remarkable.  I feel I have room to breathe.  Something I haven't felt in a long time.  Well, on to day two.

Courage to Face Deadend Behaviors

What does it take to see some of our behaviors don't work?  What does it take for us to wrestle with the demands of changing behavior?

My husband and I have an elliptical machine in front of our TV.  We have an agreement that we will use the machine 3-4 times a week.  We agreed that each time we get on the machine is a win, and will be celebrated that way with cheers and bravos.  In the 3 years we have had the machine, we have used it every week.  Maybe only once, but it is used as an exercise machine, not a clothes hanger. 

Small wins but significant.  It gives me pause to ask; can I support myself in developing other behaviors using the same reward system?   Can I somehow reward myself when I don't lose my temper, over indulge, run away, or worse take my love away?

I believe it takes a powerful amount of courage to face our inhumanity, our cruelty, our ambivalence to the pain ans suffering of others, and the injustices we inflict? 

When there is no inherent reward to awaken, or develop our consciousness.  By that I mean we don't immediately become successful, rich, famous, or thin, all the things our world tells us we should be, want and desire.  Sometimes the biggest reward we get for developing our consciousness is more pain and trouble until we have the courage to be able to be with whatever circumstance life gives us. 

 Do I have the courage to see what works and doesn't work and face my dead end behaviors with compassion, joy and humor?  Will I embrace the inhumane within me to transform it for all? 

I remember I worked with a very powerful woman and she joked that in the early days of the Woman's Movement all they did was sit around and complain about men.  However, that was needed in order to get to the other side of the complaints and deal with the issues barefaced and powerfully. 

Courageously facing the dead end issues is the start.  Then celebrating each win just might support the ongoing daily practice.

Why Are We Looking for Quick Answers?

There has recently been a tragic event in our world.  One of many senseless acts of violence.  I began asking myself  how to get at the root of these seemingly random violent acts.  I had to stop myself, as I could tell I wanted to get an answer quickly, so I didn't have to experience the pain of seeing why things are the way they are.  I want to get a fast answer, something that would sooth my mind, make me feel in control again, so I could go back to living my life as I had before the event.

I could see that to continue living my life from a place of trying to maintain comfort, was not going to be of service at this time.  that I might need to slow down and really look at my thoughts, see what I was projecting, and determine if there were any new actions I could begin to take to move myself towards a more peaceful resolution.

So, what does all this mean?  I have had some events, personally, that triggered angry and dark thoughts.  Thoughts of wanting retribution, or getting even for the pain that was inflicted upon me. You know, the good old 'teach someone a lesson' type behavior that I leaned many years ago from my Grandmothers.  the silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the disappearing act.  all these covert behaviors that want someone to change.

I have tried to communicate and saw that sometimes I just opened up a can or worms, and I was paying the price of being the one to speak.  Anyone else experience that?  So, I had chosen to shut down and shut up.  Not my best decision.  So, what about communicating from a place of curiosity?  A place of acceptance, compassion, and desire to move beyond the limited scope of what I am looking at?  How do I encourage myself to grow, when every cell in my body screams to shut down, sit down, and keep to myself?

In this uncomfortable space, I want a quick answer, one to release the pain of living, go back to the warm cave of forgetfulness.

It's not possible any more.  I need to be willing to be comfortable with uncomfortablness.

Why is it so Important to fit in?

We all like to think of ourselves as independent, think for ourselves kind of gal/guy, so why do we work so hard to fit in?

I just read an article by Steve Carell in which he says he has finally come to terms with his uncoolness.  He accepted that part of himself is just a nerd, and not part of the in-crowd.  Reading that gave me pause to question myself and wonder; why is it so important to fit into a crowd?  Especially the 'in crowd'.  As if they had some secret answer to life itself.  Does food tasted better with them, clothes looked better, was sex better, all was answered inside this quest for acceptance by the cool people?

Most of us had some kind of High School trauma associated with being found out to be 'not cool' or unacceptable by the cool folks.  Why is that?  When so much value is placed on being separate, an individual, rugged, having our own thoughts? 

On the flip side, I've met a few individuals that considered themselves 'individualistic' and, quite frankly they were hard to spend any amount of time with. 

What do you see?  What is your take on this?  I would love to hear your point of view.

Practcing Peace

What is it really to practice peace?  What does peace really look and feel like?  Is it a world without conflict? or war?

Or could it be an inner peace, a making friends with ourselves, showing compassion and patience for our short tempers, cruel snarky remarks, even crueler thoughts, and judgements of others.  Making peace in times of war and great turbulence is the ability to not pull back from tough times, but step into each moment aware and conscious.

Making peace is looking within not pointing our fingers at others behavior.  Peace starts right in our shoes, right in our homes, with our fragile families and seeing our reaction to their behavior so we can finally disentangle the mess.  Easy to say, harder to do, as we are addicted to finding fault in others.  It's so much easier to blame the other than to look within at ourselves.

But there is no fulfillment or happiness in finding fault with others.  Inside judging others there is only the practice of being critical, bitter and angry.  I am reminded of a story about the Buddha. 
In a small town, a mad elephant came charging through the streets, the elephant came upon the Buddha and calmed down.  It's a story that illustrates that a calm centered mind can make a difference to a wild untamed unfocused mind, or minds. 

Today, be generous with yourself and others and practice peace.

Sweeping Under the Rug

As a kid, Saturdays were very special days.  No school and no church to have to go to.  It was a day to revel in being a kid.  Except for chores.  Like some kind of strange magic in the night, my mother would place on the edge of my bed, my Saturday to-do list.  It would be the first thing I saw when I awoke.

The list seemed endless.  Sweeping all the steps in the house including the ones to the basement, dusting the living and dining rooms, collecting the dirty towels for the laundry and straighten up my half of the bedroom that I shared with my older sister.  Which meant;  put my toys and books away.

Most of my chores I could get done well before anyone else in the house woke up, except in the bedroom as  my sister slept forever on Saturday mornings! She would crab and complain that I "was making too much noise" and she was sleeping so "go away!"

 One Saturday morning I got a great idea, to speed things up why don't I put all my toys under my bed!  I could do that silently, quickly and not disturb my sleeping sister.  Then I could get on with the rest of my chores and out to play. 

I'm so smart, I thought!  No one will ever suspect.  So, I proceeded with my plan and was outside wonderfully early.  I walked throughout the still slumbering silent neighborhood and watched as it slowly began to greet the day. 

I watched the skinny alley cats padding through the trash barrels and heard the blue jays call out their teasing and dissent.  Watched the paperboy toss the folded paper as it thumped on the front porches.

The morning was beautiful as the light grew and sounds developed throughout the neighborhood.  I went back home a few hours later to discover I was in the dog house.  My plan to clean up quickly had backfired and all my toys and books were tossed on top of my bed.  I was told, quite coldly,  that this kind of shenanigan would not be tolerated in this home "Young Missy".

In retrospect, I appreciate being held to a higher account than my shortcut thinking.  It is a lesson I have reminded myself of often.  However, I will never forget that magical Saturday morning as I was one with nature and the natural world unfolded in my presence.

Keeping it Together

I recently saw the movie "The Avengers". It was great, delightful, funny, dark, brooding, a story of good vs. evil using comic book heroes. Well, it is a movie based on a Marvel comic book, which were stories based on Greek and Roman mythology. But, I digress.

I was deeply moved by Mark Ruffalo's portrayal of Bruce Banner/The Hulk. He captured the struggle that we all know so well. Dealing with our inner demons. The effort we exert in keeping our temper, anger, rage or plain old petty jealousies in check. We go along and are fine, fine, fine, then something sets us off: Ka-blowie!

We have all done it at one time or another. It could be delays in traffic, a forgotten bill to pay, a broken cup, or a perceived slight. Something sets us off and we 'hulk' out.

There is a touching scene in the movie in which Dr Bruce Banner says he started to help others and that seemed to ease the incidences of his anger, of him becoming 'the other guy' as he calls it.

When we help others ultimately we help ourselves. Said another way, what we give we get. It was a great reminder.